Broken.

For those of you who know me (Like in real life), this is extremely important. For those of you who don't, treat it as advice.

I've always been kinda sorta broken. For 19 years, a good portion of my life (like 95%), I've always felt alone, tired, broken. And For 19 years, I've never once talked about my sad life, my depressive, broken, negative, pessimistic side. Everyday, I wake up, "being me", joking and funny and cheerful and all. And that's what I show everyone and that's "being me". Even my own (ex) girlfriend thought me out to be this happy-go-lucky person. But truth is, I was long broken before anyone knew it. I was that broken, rusty toy that was on the highest part of the shelf and only the time someone took me off the shelf, that person dropped it and I shattered. But truth is, I was already broken. It wasn't the person's fault. But everyone only saw the person drop it, no one saw an already broken toy, everyone saw the toy being broken. And now that person has to pay the price for something she didn't do.
I guess it was my fault, I should've said I was broken first, I should've said something about my sad side. Maybe then, she wouldn't have suffered. Maybe then, she wouldn't get so much shit.
It's not her fault. She didn't break me into so many pieces. She didn't take a screwdriver and took me apart. It was my fault for not showing broken in the first place. It's my fault for constantly showing one side of me. Because of that, people think I don't have a sad side to me.
It's like putting an iPhone 6 on the shelf, but what you don't see is that everything in it is the iPhone 4. But everyone who plays with it thinks it's playing with the iPhone 6. Then someone comes along and says, "Nope it's really the iPhone 4 inside" and everyone now blames that person for saying something that's quite impossible when it is the truth.
Say a lie long enough, and it becomes the truth. Hide the truth long enough, it becomes a lie.


She didn't break me into so many pieces. She merely had a slip of a hand.

Angry.

Yay. Haven't written in a while. Thanks S for reminding me that I have a blog. Ha.

Have you ever felt like, you've pretty much done what you've wanted at whatever age and you've just run out of things to live for? And I don't mean like " Oh this person left my life and I have nothing to live for" or "I struck the lottery and now my life is completely I will go die now" I mean things like, " I'm 19 years old and I've done what I can and what I wanted. And now if I die instantly I'm okay with it". And it's not like I'm gonna commit suicide. There's a difference between being okay with dying now and commuting suicide. You didn't choose to die from an accident, but you chose to commit suicide (Get it?) so ya. Idk if I'm having suicidal thoughts or it it's considered as such. But yea. That's what's happening in my mind. 

I'm lost. Very lost. My whole life, having this "counsellor" role to a number people, I've always had this mindset that if I can't solve my own problems, how do I help others? Which is true, and cocky, I admit.  But truth nonetheless. And past few times I really managed to solve the problems. Even when I knew its gonna take time. But this is different. And I wish I knew why. I simply cannot find a solution. There is no "better" or "healing". There is only pain, anger and just self-hate. And there hasn't been a happy for me for a good 3 weeks. I haven't been happy. Or anything positive for that matter. It's just sad, anger, sad, anger etc ad infinitum. I am so angry, that I really could not care if I get the death sentence. I'm seriously on the edge of my tolerance. (Might even have passed it) if I see the guy outside, I know I will lose it. I know. 19 years, of anger, or pain, built up and now this one guy had to be the punching bag. Or worst. Why him? Simply put it, wrong place, at the wrong time. I know that every fucking ounce of anger and pain I have built up for literally my entire life will be unloaded on this one guy. And as humane as I am (amongst my friends, I'm looking forward to this moment (If it happens). For once in my life, if this moment ever presents itself to me, I am no longer bound to keep to myself. I no longer need to listen to everyone telling me to be patient, telling me it's not worth it. As cartoony and cheesy as it sounds, I will unleash the fuckingg hate and anger I have in me and make sure he wished he never came into this planet. I am willing to break every single bone in his body. Simply because I am angry. Is it worth it? No. Which brings me back to my whole "no point living" from the start. I will do it, simply because I've lived my life to a point where there is no point. And if I die now, I'm okay with it. Maybe I won't get the death sentence, and maybe get jailed for a certain time then get released and whatever life I have from then on will just be ruined. Sure, there's that scenario. But come on. What purpose in life could I find in jail that I couldn't find in my life now? (disclaimer: any similarities between this and anyone else is purely coincidental. As said earlier, this will only happen if I meet the guy. And I have no intention of meeting him on purpose.)

If I was a less angry person, maybe things could've been different. But sadly that's not the case. Also, I feel like hulk because I'm talking about Anger so much. Ha. 

Whys and Insanity

Goddamit. Writing this on 15% battery. GG.


I've just had about enough with being the "that guy that doesn't ask questions" yet when I do they say "that's the guy that needs to know why your mom's name is Mary". I ask questions, a lot. And I come across as proud, A LOT. But I really try not to be. Sure I do almost always give unnecessary comments and information, but my message is meant well. It's not like I want to come across as annoying on purpose (Believe me, if I wanted to, y'all be dead). I just have a tendency of telling or saying stuff that I feel is important or useful. Not everyone might think the same way, but do you really think I'm using my brain at the spur of the moment?
I'm not likeable (At least I think I'm not). Sure amongst my friends I'm known to be pretty Singaporean and to be the "Singaporean Joker" (Or at least I think I am. You see, that's just it. Everything is just "I think-s" and "At least-s" but it shouldn't be. So I become the targetting board. The one who asks the questions but doesn't ask the questions and get shot either way. Sure I'm used to it but everyone has their limits, me included. So why? Why do I have to be the one asking the questions? Why can't I ask questions? Why can't I NOT ask questions? Why does it have to be me? I don't see the nerdy kid being picked on, I don't see the most hated girl in class receiving the bullshit. But I'm the guy that everyone thinks is so incredibly oblivious to his surroundings that people feel like they are free to talk shit about me as and when they want (If y'all know you are and y'all are reading this, I KNOW BITCH). It's not like I care too much about it, but if enough people are talking about it, you start to question yourself, "Is (A) and (B) saying about me really true?"
The worst part is, you know people are talking about you. You even KNOW WHAT THEY SAY. But the harsh reality is, it's so hard to confront them about it because there is that ever so slight chance that you're wrong. And if that became the beast that became the man, then you're fucked. You're public enemy number 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.  You come across as being more complacent than you already seem to be. You become an instant douchebag. You became everyone's go to man if they need advice on "How to be a dick to your own mother", So you just let everyone say what they want, when they want. You become the substitute that never plays, the bench warmer, the seat filler, the unnecessary condiments, the punching bag that is everyone's favorite. And when it's quiet and you decide to play your cards, everyone gives you the only Royal Flush you'll ever see for the rest of time. Down the fucking toilet.
I've had enough of being the "Target Guy". That's why I'm usually an ass to everyone. No one is pure nice in this world, even if they seem to be, they won't be. It's that type of world. It's the world that we have supposedly "evolved" in.  We, have lost it. I have lost it. Our minds.

Anger and Fear

It's one of those days where you wake up having no expectations for the day to come. You just want to continue your life as is and get it over and done with. Then God decides to fuck you up by putting tiny pieces of shit in your life. Not enough to make it the worst day ever, but enough to ruin the mood for the day and just your attitude.
I hated today. HATED. I usually don't even say hate, much less use it. It wasn't a day that messed up. It was just a messed up day. Just a bunch of shit crammed into one. I was looking forward to today, believe or not. The original plan was tomorrow is gonna be a good day. And the best day is actually the day before a good day. Because you get an idea of what that DAY will be. And not because you planned it to be, but because everyone else is sharing with you.
WELL HERE'S A NOPE FOR YOU.
Then "BAM", everything goes downhill.  I was told that tomorrow's plans were changed, and whilst I have yet to be confirmed to be affected, it doesn't take a dumbass to know who's been changed to do what. It sucks. I was looking forward to it for a couple months and they tell you "You've been assigned to somewhere else. Suck it". So everything start to go negative as well.
Then somehow (could just be me), there have been negative vibes getting from everyone I see today, like (OMG that's [ME], dammit, it's gonna be a rough day]. And I'm not talking about the joking kind. Sure, I know I'm not exactly Number 1 likeable guy, but I have my moments, and I have my friendship bonds, but if they're bonds made up on lies and deceit, I'd rather burn my limb alive and throw the ashes at the other guy/ gal.
I'm on a radio show (Go figure) that at certain times I kinda have to record my voice to make up for another day. But due to circumstance someone gave up their time to me to finish. I felt bad. VERY. And it's not like I wanted to continue, I simply didn't have a choice. And I knew that I could've just made myself suffer instead of making him pay the price. But I didn't. Maybe my inner demons are finally coming. Maybe I've been angry enough at them, at the world to finally show my true colors. Maybe I finally get to show everyone that I'm a bad person. Or maybe I'm afraid, of losing the painstaking facade I have built for 19 years. Maybe I'm afraid that if I keep doing what I'm doing I'll have more enemies than friends.
I'm angry. I always have been. Always will be. It's not an anger that can be satiated over a single night, or even committing crimes. It's not that anger. It's anger that when released, you know the consequence, but you do it because for once in your life you are doing something YOU WANT, however dire the consequences are, It was never about the bad day. It was never about how much annoying you can take in a day. Heck, it's not even about what emotions you feel. It's about realizing that one day, ONE DAY, you will submit to your inner demons, you will finally tell yourself, it's okay to be bad. You will finally say, "I've just had about e-fucking-nough".

YEAR IN REVIEW

It is 2016. Hope you guys had fun celebrating with whoever whatever. And as many others, we always like to give a a quick look back into the year, seeing what went wrong and what went right. Well, there was no right for me in 2015. No right worth mentioning anyway. I didn't not enjoy 2015 at all.
It was the worst year I have ever had in my entire life (so far).  The year was filled with event, don't get me wrong, but those events, those that mattered anyway were pretty negative ones. It was a bad year right from the start and only went downhill. The worst part? Even when I tried to make it better by having fun on the very last day of 2015, it only ended up to be worst then anything before.
I went to the countdown party hoping to meet new people there and enjoy with the people I know. But I ended up looking fucking pathetic and just having the worst night of my life. Ugh.
I see people celebrating New years eve and I wanted to strangle them. You know when you just suddenly get pissed off at everyone for breathing or something of the sorts, well I had that except multiply it a billion-fold. Why? Because as a happy person you really get don't angry all that much. But when you do you suddenly become angry at the whole world for existing and you wish you could burn everyone that just walks by you. I was pissed. Not at anyone but for having to go through that shit for one entire year.And the thing is, you will never know if the next year will be like the last. Will it be better? Will it be worse? There is no way of knowing. And that's the one thing that I am so afraid of. What if 2016 will be as bad or even worse? What if I don't make it out? What if the what ifs don't become what ifs anymore? I hated 2015. i hated the way it began and the way it ended. The one thing that will make me happy is if I could just start burning people alive and shout and scream and just see people trying to go through what I did. Sadist? You could say so. Psychopath? Pushing it, but I'll take it. I don't care if I'm judged for what I said because everyone has the same thoughts too. I just have enough balls to say them. I don't want to wish people a Happy new year. I don't like giving people expectations. I didn't havee a good year and I don't want people too either.

Death

This is quite different from my usually relationship shitty posts. The thing I wanna talk about today applies to everybody and something I think is very important but only can be taught by oneself. No it is not those "Is there life after death" cliche questions. My subject today is for my readers (if any); How do you face the death of a loved one or those closest to you.

I have't had much experience on this actually. I am pretty lucky. Most of my family members are still with me since my birth. Both my granddads passed before I was born and my grandma and uncle passed awhile back (Rest in Peace). But anywho, moving on. I don't have enough experience to be able to talk on this subject. But I feel like preparation wise I'm pretty okay. Not good, not bad, just, okay. I've always embraced the fact that people die. Whether they're 3 years old or 300 years old, if they're time is up then we have to let them go. There are many thing us humans can do to change the course of nature and turn it in our favor. Death will never be one of them. We can't embrace death for other people since 1, I'm talking about how WE face the passing of our loved ones and 2, they're dying not you.
There isn't like a high and mighty solution that  helps anyone and everyone overcome death. I wish there was but I guarantee that there is none.
Death is inevitable. It happens to us and everyone around. It is not something to be happy about. It is not something we should worry of as well. If it comes then let it so. We mourn, we pray, we bask in their last moments and we carry on with our lives. I'm not asking you guys to suck it up. But I'm asking you to suck it up. Death happens to even the best of us and there will never be anything anyone can ever do to change that.
One thing is for certain, we can only live our life in honor of those who passed, to live through what they wanted to and to represent their life with ours.



PS Suck it up. and I'm too lazy to drag on the post.

(insert positive words here)

Yes for once this is a positive blog post. Because for once in a long time I've felt carefree (not happy,not yet). Spending weeks in my current diploma course with camps and time with the whole cohord helped so much with my own 'recovery' process. I never thought I would enjoy it as much as I did but even in glad I did. My year 2 seniors (tho their called juniors even though their a year older than us) held like 4 different camps/ events for us to just bond with the cohord and make sure everyone was friends with one another. Sure that'll take a lot more than just time but it sorta succeeded in a way  both with the befriending thing and with me sort of recovering from myself. The events and camps weren't much, just the same old you'd come to know (and love) but I guess what made it really really fun was not really us year 1s but the IG (Interest Group) members, namely the year 2s because they were really interactive and inspiring. They weren't just your average student leaders, you could really see not just the effort they put in, their sincerity shined out as well  and you know, it just reminded me of my own teaching. That God (any one you believe in) is fair, in a sense that there is never more bad people than good people and vice versa. And that things can and will eventually be better. That eventually the only things that will matter will be the things that you want to make them matter. Anywho the event was Bonding day (amongst any other) and needless to say it was to help to bond not just the year 1s together but everyone under CMM and it was more than just fun. I haven't played Captain's ball in a while and Pliny with and against the year 2s and 3s was, well, extremely exhausting. But it was all so worth it, to me at least. I finally got a day to take my mind and body off things (and off work) and it was fantastic. 

Then after the whole bonding day thing my class had a BBQ at my place that we sorta wanted to bond the class closer since all the other classes had already done it away before. I didn't know if it was because it was soon after bonding day but a lot people turned up. Doesn't really happen in most BBQs but it was great that everyone did. It was fun watching everyone sort of bond as a class (since we weren't really really tight) and everyone did enjoy themselves. Albeit I was BBQing literally the whole time but I had fun. Seeing people enjoy the food was more than filling for moì. Alas the day had to end and everyone said their farewells. I was glad I could make everyone (and their stomachs) happy and would do it again at a flip of a dime. For once in a long long time I didn't feel sad.  

No question, no answer.

I'm no expert in love and relationships and whatnot. I give what I feel like is decent advice and guides to help make a decision relevant to that particular situation. But what I feel about what people think it's a necessity to be the one to first talk about a bad relationship or a bad memory is just wrong. Now I know you're confused, so I'll simplify it. If you don't ask the person about whatever you are curious about yet you expect that the other party to initiatively inform you of said topic. (Basically expecting the person to tell you something you didn't ask) I don't exactly understand what's the point behind that because you won't really like it if someone comes up to you and tell you stuff you didn't even ask, and that person will come off as 'attention-seeking'. 

Personally I don't feel the need to tell you of my experiment or whatnot if you didn't ask because to me, if you didn't ask you simply aren't curious about it. Even if I do need to let it out, even if I do need a listening ear, I'd rather keep it to myself and just hope someone is willing to let me talk about it to them. Because at least you know that if they ask they are offering help and consolidation to you but if you initiate the need for a listening ear first then it sort of seems like you don't really care if the person is willing or not because you just need a shoulder to cry on. It's not that like I don't want to or anything, believe me there have been countless times where I just wanna tell someone, I need a ear, care to be one? For me. But given how our society is, how judgemental it is, initiating any form of conversation or whatnot for a "ownself" purpose will be stereotyped to be a 'attention-whore'. But hey, if you have to humility to just tell someone you need a ear, kudos to you man. 

P.S all stated references and content are completely by personal opinion.

Talk about unwilling.

I could go on and on about how much I still love her and how much I miss her and for those of whom are still around (if any), thanks first and foremost (haha) and secondly you might feel like "DAFUQ THIS GUY STILL AINT OVER HER?" And well, yes. I still ain't over her. Why? I don't know. I guess once I catch on feelings for that person it's tough to let go. Maybe that's the way I am. And it's not something I want to change about myself. I don't see it as a bad thing. I mean sure my pain and agony will last much longer than others but it's a price I'm willing to pay. 

The thing is, what contributes to the whole not letting go thing is mainly because for 17 years of my life I have never seen myself to be good enough for everyone, or anyone ever wants to be with me. And usually I'm there for others at their beck and call and I'm always there to console them and all that. But never have I truly been receiving so called "love" and "affection" from others. I've chased like 5 girls now and none of them accepted so I simply gave up. Don't get me wrong, I like helping people, and to me when you help someone you don't expect something or anything in return. And I don't, ever. I just offer them help and do it as best as I can. And it helps that I'm enjoying it as well I get satisfaction knowing that I made someone's day. But the thing is, because no one (not that I know of) "liked" me before her, I've never actively chased the females. It also adds that I'm not exactly confident of how I look or knowing that I am not as handsome as I usually put myself out to be. And so I don't have much experience in that area and for once in my life, someone said that actually liked me, like they wanted me in their life and I just felt like I was on cloud 9. And I guess because it was a first for me, the feelings were a lot stronger because it's my first. And maybe that's why it's tougher to let go. Maybe that's why I can't fully let go. And maybe it's because I don't want to. Funny thing is, I have the strangest feeling and even my gut says that she'll come back, or she'll accept me back or she's willing to give another shot and I can't ever shake that feeling off because I know logically I don't have a chance. But my heart says otherwise and I guess that's where I'm just stuck. I haven't felt genuine happiness in a long time, and anything I have felt other than rage or pain or depressed or sadness is pretty much false or unreal. 

I am hurting so much. And it's not because it's killing me because it's so strong. But because it's prolonging and just tiring. Kinda like how holding a small glass of water hurts the longer you hold it. Kinda like that.

Damn it's tough. I hope you guys don't experience shit like mine.

Her.

I've been pretty satisfied with my life. On an average day to day basis that is. And I'm pretty okay with how things are how they are now. Of course that doesn't mean that I don't want things to get better. Things can get better, and I want them to but right now is fine by me. I miss her, and I guess that's where it can get better. Or at least, the one good thing I can focus about.
I've been pretty 'alone' my whole life. Not alone alone, but like, alone I don't hang with anyone much alone. You know how people say usually you have to be the one to get people out to meet so you don't get left out? Yeah, well a perspective that I live by is that, people have responsibilities that outweigh the need to 'meet up' and since they didn't plan a meeting, means they have a reason to do so. That's kinda how I get by, so I guess it's partially my fault? Because of this I consider myself to be pretty 'alone' and un-needed by most. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that my friends refuse to hang with me, but I guess I'm just afraid of rejection from them. So I used to (or am now) living with the notion that I am pretty un-needed and only there for them when they need me to be. So when someone comes along and show me what is called appreciation, you could imagine my delight at that. So when she came along and showed me what being loved by someone felt like, I guess she made me feel different. Not just me being less lonely but also being more appreciated, more welcome, more loved by someone that is not me. She made me feel good about myself, for once in my 17 years of living and that was what I loved most about her. I'm a tough nut to crack, and that includes breaking a tear. But for her I cried more than once, out of love and out of sadness. And to me that says something. Though I know that my chances with her again are pretty much next to zero, one can only hope. For me, I guess it's not about not letting go, but more like what am I holding on to.
Have a great night guys.

The Breakup and the Blame

After the big break up, it took me a couple of weeks to realize one of the most effective ways of getting over it. And that is to try as much as you can to blame the other party. And believe me when i say it really help in getting over the whole lost in love shit. I pulled through, I did that and for the next week or so, I felt really good. Like really really good. Maybe deep down I suppressed the emotions just enough to feel happy but I genuinely felt good. But then shit went down and that happy period that I just talked about? Gone in less than 3 seconds.
The breakup was really, meh. My first true breakup so I didn't know what to expect. It was through messaging, so given my experience spending so much time on twitter, it seemed as if breaking up through messaging was like the worst way to go. But I didn't know better. So that was that.
Then shit happened and up till this point in time, I did not understand why I did what I did. Only logical explanation to me was that I was so lost and so desperate that I was just did anything and everything I could. Kinda like a fish out of water flailing it's arms around trying to survive only to fail. I can't reveal the details of what exactly happened, but just know that when you do something out of desperation, 9 out of 10 times there's no logic behind it, and there is no right as well. And that's what happened to me so basically I was 100% in the wrong. Ever since then I never could forgive myself, let alone blame the breakup on her.
I did something that contradicted everything I stood for, every decision I made to back up my moralities and all that went down the drain in an instant. Not a day passes where I don't think about that scene and the things I would give to just not made that call.

Much gratitude.

I realize now what this blog is for. For me personally at least. And I didn't really have a purpose for this blog, I just wanted a place to pen down my thoughts and feels without having to purchase a $15 line book. But this blog has gone beyond that. This blog has allowed me to say out things I don't really say to people in real life. Reason being I truly believe that since I feel like I am good at what I do (That being a 'counselor' to others), and I can't really help myself, then why would anyone else I know be able to help me? Yes it does seem conceited and yes it does seem like I am becoming the dick I so detest but I don't see it that way. I truly believe that while I am only 18, I've been through so much more than expected and I believe I have seen all that I should have seen at my age. But that's not the point.
This blog helped me to counsel myself, in a sense that I am able to just let out all my feelings, But it differs from the way I usually counsel others. When I counsel others I tend to give them advice on what to do, what not to do and what's best for him/her. But for my case, I just wanna let it all out. That way once I've let out what I feel like should be let out, then my mind is clear and I can tell myself stuff. And I just want to give a shoutout to you guys, my readers (If any). Its been wild guys, and I'm gonna post a lot more.


P.S: While it's a short post, I can't really think of more things to say. Anyway, Cheers.

So today I thought about suicide. (Well that escalated quickly) But I didn't think about doing it, just the thought of death and all. It was easy to understand why suicide was happening on such a consistent basis, albeit a terrible act but happens nonetheless. Everyone knows why it happens. Because dying is the easy way out. Because how can problems haunt you when you don't even exist anymore? Easy right? But I guess the one thing different about suicide and other easy-ass shit is that, suicide has a permanent consequence that no one, literally no one has ever lived to talk about it(BA DUM TSS). Honestly I have thought about it, about actually just ending all that I ever know. But I guess I was just wise enough to know that that is just downright idiotic and stupid, to say the least. And it wasn't worth it. Worth the effort to take to kill oneself. But I never really convinced myself it was because of that and that's why I didn't do it. I convinced myself that it was simply because I was afraid. Afraid of dying. What helped is that if I ever were to commit suicide I wanted to do it in the most dramatic way possible. Like jumping off 20 stories high or trying to wrestle a bear or even saving another person from like a freak accident (last one isn't really suicide but same thing). But I was afraid of acting it out. Maybe that's just God's way of prolong my life and maybe that's why I'm here right now. I gave up on trying to accomplish anything years ago. Because that's how cruel society and reality is. The only way you can ever accomplish any immeasurable feat is if you have some sort of infinite motivation, like a life of poverty or living up to whoever's around you that's a somebody somewhere. Me? I'm just a dude who lives away from city life. I resigned to fate when I was 14. I believed in a higher power of existence, whatever people want to call it,God or logic. But I knew that 'it' has planned something for each and everyone of us, whether we choose to do something or not. So I'd rather lay back and wait for fate to make way for me. Anyway, moving back on track. Maybe I haven't reached to a point where it actually pushed my thoughts into 100% commiting suicide. But I don't think I'll ever do it anyway. I'm 18, and believe or not I feel like I've done a lot in my life so far, albeit it ain't me being some internet star or some competition winner but I've done things in proud of. And I wanna keep doing it. So for those whom have suicidal thoughts, I would like to say: Stop and think, whom have you made smile, even if it's for a second, whom have you impacted their lives, whom have you stopped to think for them, care about them. Commiting suicide is never the answer to anything. This may sound corny but, if you die, people will mourn. And you will disappoint them. Pain is temporary, and will forever come and go in your life for as long as you live, but it is not a reason to end your life because of something so persistent. There are people around the world who feel the same way you do, or even been through whatever you feel now. Just understand that every time you overcome pain, you can only get stronger. 

Peace.

Writing this while intoxicated,sorta (Jesus fucking Christ am I tired). Anyways Today, or at least last night-wee hours in the morning today was great. It went a little better than I expected, then again I don't usually hold expectations. Shit went down. Like, SHIT. And it was kinda sorta an eye opener for muá? Here's what went down:

List of friends who stayed over:

M

So

Beth(owner of the house we stayed over in)

C

Mar

Joe

Baeh

*Names are to protect identities 

4-10pm 

We sat down, had a couple of drinks, ate some pizza and like chatted about shit. Tiring tho, and so damn sleep. It was fucking raining and so cold it was so damn good. The pizza tho, because of where Beth's place was located, almost no delivery services were available there. Then we found Sarpino's and thank god they delivered. From where Beth stayed.the nearest coffee shop was at least 2km away(I would've died just getting there) 

10pm-4am

So, Joe and Mar came over as well. So was looking kinda, sorta okay, a bit too ______ for my liking but to each their own. They sat down and played their lil drinking games while me, Ceej and Baeh hung out and a separate room. There had to be at least one sober person of there and the guys didn't wanna drink. Well, more like they didn't like it. We went to buy water at like 1am cos there was only alcohols there and Pepsi. Not exactly ideal liquids to consume when thirsty. Me, Ceej and Beth went like got knows how far to buy 3 bottles. Scared Ceej on the way back which was absolute gold. Around 3.30 we came out( to give face to.the guests and Beth as well. We played a little before Ceej drank one cup too many and went all whoopsy on everyone. 

4-7am

No more alcohols! Whoooo and then everyone just knocked out. Sort of. Well, let's just say intoxication brings out the horniest shit out of people. Which is why I had to be sober. Someone's gotta keep

An eye out for suspicious activity. Lololol

Basically, M and Joe were making out and Mar and Son were filming some sexless M18 movie. Just when I though I couldn't feel more alone. Ceej was just, all over the place. Joe had to leave around 6.45, and as he left he made sure he had to leave with a mark. That mark being vomiting all over the lobby area. Thank god Beth's house wasn't exactly filled with neighbors. 

7-8am 

We all just left, feeling absolutely shitty and tired. And shitty. And tired. Did I mention shitty? Anyway they all wanted to have breakfast because we all were just starving. E and Baeh left first cos I had to go home and he didn't know how to home home on his own(PFT). 

Productive day? YES AND NO. I wish I was the one getting laid. Hahahaha no but really.

As I'm typing all these out I just woke up from my 5 hour nap and yes I am going to sleep even more later. 

Have fun guys. Cheers.

Disclaimer

The previous 3 articles were written on different days, I just started on them on the same day but didn't get around to finishing them. 

I wasn't emo (I think) and I wasn't bored. I just though about stuff and decided to pen them down. 

guys have feelings too.

She once said she felt like the guy in the relationship because I was asking too much (I didnt btw, honest). In that moment I found another problem in the world,GUYS ARE STEREOTYPED TO BE EMOTIONLESS. The last I checked humans had the word MAN in it. Its okay if guys dont wanna talk about it, but its always okay to ask (hint hint ladies). Guys don't talk about it because no one asks. 

I'm a guy and I consider myself to be pretty heavy on the emotional side. Unlike most guys I know, I get very concerned about things that can affect my mood at any moment (e.g rejection) but I hide it extremely well. So well that people think that nothing is wrong and nothing will ever be. Which is sad and good at the same time. This just means I hide my feelings very, very well. I'm not sure this means that I'm some ball-less dick but I really don't care. It's the way I am and I don't feel like people can  judge me otherwise. The thing is, I want to talk about my feelings, I want to talk to someone about what I'm going through and the pain that I suffer, but being a guy means you have to 'man up' and suck it in. Worst is, even if you don't want to, you worry if the person you tell actually cares what comes out from your mouth. I'm just really tired of holding it in. 

Being alone does not make you an adult

I often hear my teachers say "If you are able to go through being alone, having a meal alone, studying alone, living alone, then you have truly grown into an adult" XXXXXXXXXXX (insert buzzer sound her) That is not how it works my friend. Being alone, while it does indeed help you mature, it does not signify that you are an adult. You are not. Being alone helps you think more, of everything, from something as simple as what's for lunch to something as deep as what you're gonna do in life. I don't doubt that everyone has reached that point in their life, but like, c'mon, being alone doesn't make you an adult. PFT.
Moving on, I consider myself someone who is highly experience in being alone (Trust me, it is true). Through one of my earlier posts, I have admitted to being a relatively easily jealous person. So I do envy when my friends go out with their friends (mostly mutual ones) and I'm just rotting at home. To sum up, I am pretty much alone 95% of the time I have (Excluding sleeping and traveling time). My friends would have laughed at that, probably because I am so sociable. But as far as I can tell, my "best friends" don't view me the same way and most of them are pretty much one-way friendships. Because of that, I really am that alone and that sad. Of course I am a guy and I should not be caring about such emotional issues, but you'd be surprised at the amount of emotions one guy can hide behind a 'cool' expression.(I'll blog about that another day)
Being in a relationship for 11 months made me completely forget the feeling of being alone.  Its been 4 months since the breakup and while I am still harping on it(probably more than the first month), being alone has officially came back to me. How I have missed you >:/
Guys, being alone is okay. Just know that someone else out there feels what you are feeling. If fate has it be, it will be. Our time of not being loners will come.

I am only as naive as the lies you feed me

Time and time again you have shown me the err in myself. This time showing how naive and blind I was, to hold you against your word. To have so truly believed that you meant every word you said back then. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
I have never stopped blaming myself for what I did, more than you think, and more than you'll ever know. You think I am a heartless, evil and immature dickhead and I don't ever blame you for that.
I see where you are coming from and given your character, it'll be hard to have seen it any other way. What's worst is after so long, I cannot for the life of me see what the point I was trying to get across through those actions. I remember each and every word you said, even up to this very second, every conversation we had, every letter you spelled. Believing everything only to realise that all of them are lies, doubting every time you said 'I never'. The phrase "Love is blind"  is an understatement for what it truly is. You don't just become blind to everything around you, your mind is instantly blind as well. You won't ever doubt a word she says, you won't think twice about her actions. All you'll ever care is if she ever whispers the words 'I love you' ever again. Maybe it is just me, being a complete desperado in love. You know what? Even knowing she went back on her word, even knowing she lied straight to me face, I still can't blame her. My wrong outweighs all of hers. It could again just be me, but then again, who'd give a fuck. As far as I'm concerned, I am alone.

Poly kiddo

I'd assume that y'all readers (if any) are kinda sorta curious about my current educational standing. Well, I am a Temasek Polytechnic student under CMM (I'll leave that for you guys to figure out). In any case, for my overseas readers (if any), a polytechnic is essentially a college school but instead of your usual textbook and maths and shit, the students are taught working skills, e.g Public Speaking, Engineering, Technological skills etc. Its pretty dope when I make it sound like that, but reality is, it's just as stressful as any other (junior) college is. I've been on the losing end lately (unfortunately) and worst is, I'm still feeling in the dumps ever since the break-up (YES I AM STILL HARPING ON IT, GET OFF MY BACK) so on top of feeling shitty I am feeling even more shitty. Worst part is, as I am typing on this blog post, I am barely done with ONE of my projects. UGH. But the thing is, we often say that Poly is for those who know what they want to have a career in, which is very true, provided you work your ass off for it. I am, kinda,sorta,maybe. Mmmmm. On the bright side, I've met a bunch of great people and I really feel damn grateful. (Also I'm in the class with all the pretties so hurray right?) I've seen worst (worst classes I mean, and people).
Anyway, just want to let y'all know that if you're in poly, or any form of school for that matter, take the time to appreciate those around you. Sometimes you are in a position where people dream of, where good friends actually exist, you just don't know how much you take something for granted till its lost.
Signing off here. Poly Kid. Stress AF. Y'allz stay happy.

I am.

I am the type of boyfriend who will get very clingy. I am the type of boyfriend that will get jealous as fuck if I see a guy taking a picture with you. I am the type of boyfriend where I need an answer for everything you do. I am the type of boyfriend that needs your fullest attention. I am the type of boyfriend that acts like the female side of the relationship. But I am also the type of boyfriend who will not hesitate at giving you my 200%. I am the typ of boyfriend that will give you all that I have and the best I can give. I am the type of boyfriend that will remember all you said and make any of your wants come true to the best of my abilities. I am the type of boyfriend that will shield you from anything, laying your needs before mine. 

I am like this because I have always been alone. I am like this because love has never been on my side. I am like this because no one else will ever understand why I will ever feel. I am like this because I am who I am. I am like this because I know what it's like to be left so alone and I never want someone else to feel what I felt. I am that type of person,boyfriend,friend.