Talk about unwilling.

I could go on and on about how much I still love her and how much I miss her and for those of whom are still around (if any), thanks first and foremost (haha) and secondly you might feel like "DAFUQ THIS GUY STILL AINT OVER HER?" And well, yes. I still ain't over her. Why? I don't know. I guess once I catch on feelings for that person it's tough to let go. Maybe that's the way I am. And it's not something I want to change about myself. I don't see it as a bad thing. I mean sure my pain and agony will last much longer than others but it's a price I'm willing to pay. 

The thing is, what contributes to the whole not letting go thing is mainly because for 17 years of my life I have never seen myself to be good enough for everyone, or anyone ever wants to be with me. And usually I'm there for others at their beck and call and I'm always there to console them and all that. But never have I truly been receiving so called "love" and "affection" from others. I've chased like 5 girls now and none of them accepted so I simply gave up. Don't get me wrong, I like helping people, and to me when you help someone you don't expect something or anything in return. And I don't, ever. I just offer them help and do it as best as I can. And it helps that I'm enjoying it as well I get satisfaction knowing that I made someone's day. But the thing is, because no one (not that I know of) "liked" me before her, I've never actively chased the females. It also adds that I'm not exactly confident of how I look or knowing that I am not as handsome as I usually put myself out to be. And so I don't have much experience in that area and for once in my life, someone said that actually liked me, like they wanted me in their life and I just felt like I was on cloud 9. And I guess because it was a first for me, the feelings were a lot stronger because it's my first. And maybe that's why it's tougher to let go. Maybe that's why I can't fully let go. And maybe it's because I don't want to. Funny thing is, I have the strangest feeling and even my gut says that she'll come back, or she'll accept me back or she's willing to give another shot and I can't ever shake that feeling off because I know logically I don't have a chance. But my heart says otherwise and I guess that's where I'm just stuck. I haven't felt genuine happiness in a long time, and anything I have felt other than rage or pain or depressed or sadness is pretty much false or unreal. 

I am hurting so much. And it's not because it's killing me because it's so strong. But because it's prolonging and just tiring. Kinda like how holding a small glass of water hurts the longer you hold it. Kinda like that.

Damn it's tough. I hope you guys don't experience shit like mine.