Have you ever felt like, you've pretty much done what you've wanted at whatever age and you've just run out of things to live for? And I don't mean like " Oh this person left my life and I have nothing to live for" or "I struck the lottery and now my life is completely I will go die now" I mean things like, " I'm 19 years old and I've done what I can and what I wanted. And now if I die instantly I'm okay with it". And it's not like I'm gonna commit suicide. There's a difference between being okay with dying now and commuting suicide. You didn't choose to die from an accident, but you chose to commit suicide (Get it?) so ya. Idk if I'm having suicidal thoughts or it it's considered as such. But yea. That's what's happening in my mind.
I'm lost. Very lost. My whole life, having this "counsellor" role to a number people, I've always had this mindset that if I can't solve my own problems, how do I help others? Which is true, and cocky, I admit. But truth nonetheless. And past few times I really managed to solve the problems. Even when I knew its gonna take time. But this is different. And I wish I knew why. I simply cannot find a solution. There is no "better" or "healing". There is only pain, anger and just self-hate. And there hasn't been a happy for me for a good 3 weeks. I haven't been happy. Or anything positive for that matter. It's just sad, anger, sad, anger etc ad infinitum. I am so angry, that I really could not care if I get the death sentence. I'm seriously on the edge of my tolerance. (Might even have passed it) if I see the guy outside, I know I will lose it. I know. 19 years, of anger, or pain, built up and now this one guy had to be the punching bag. Or worst. Why him? Simply put it, wrong place, at the wrong time. I know that every fucking ounce of anger and pain I have built up for literally my entire life will be unloaded on this one guy. And as humane as I am (amongst my friends, I'm looking forward to this moment (If it happens). For once in my life, if this moment ever presents itself to me, I am no longer bound to keep to myself. I no longer need to listen to everyone telling me to be patient, telling me it's not worth it. As cartoony and cheesy as it sounds, I will unleash the fuckingg hate and anger I have in me and make sure he wished he never came into this planet. I am willing to break every single bone in his body. Simply because I am angry. Is it worth it? No. Which brings me back to my whole "no point living" from the start. I will do it, simply because I've lived my life to a point where there is no point. And if I die now, I'm okay with it. Maybe I won't get the death sentence, and maybe get jailed for a certain time then get released and whatever life I have from then on will just be ruined. Sure, there's that scenario. But come on. What purpose in life could I find in jail that I couldn't find in my life now? (disclaimer: any similarities between this and anyone else is purely coincidental. As said earlier, this will only happen if I meet the guy. And I have no intention of meeting him on purpose.)
If I was a less angry person, maybe things could've been different. But sadly that's not the case. Also, I feel like hulk because I'm talking about Anger so much. Ha.
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