Her.

I've been pretty satisfied with my life. On an average day to day basis that is. And I'm pretty okay with how things are how they are now. Of course that doesn't mean that I don't want things to get better. Things can get better, and I want them to but right now is fine by me. I miss her, and I guess that's where it can get better. Or at least, the one good thing I can focus about.
I've been pretty 'alone' my whole life. Not alone alone, but like, alone I don't hang with anyone much alone. You know how people say usually you have to be the one to get people out to meet so you don't get left out? Yeah, well a perspective that I live by is that, people have responsibilities that outweigh the need to 'meet up' and since they didn't plan a meeting, means they have a reason to do so. That's kinda how I get by, so I guess it's partially my fault? Because of this I consider myself to be pretty 'alone' and un-needed by most. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that my friends refuse to hang with me, but I guess I'm just afraid of rejection from them. So I used to (or am now) living with the notion that I am pretty un-needed and only there for them when they need me to be. So when someone comes along and show me what is called appreciation, you could imagine my delight at that. So when she came along and showed me what being loved by someone felt like, I guess she made me feel different. Not just me being less lonely but also being more appreciated, more welcome, more loved by someone that is not me. She made me feel good about myself, for once in my 17 years of living and that was what I loved most about her. I'm a tough nut to crack, and that includes breaking a tear. But for her I cried more than once, out of love and out of sadness. And to me that says something. Though I know that my chances with her again are pretty much next to zero, one can only hope. For me, I guess it's not about not letting go, but more like what am I holding on to.
Have a great night guys.