Her.

I've been pretty satisfied with my life. On an average day to day basis that is. And I'm pretty okay with how things are how they are now. Of course that doesn't mean that I don't want things to get better. Things can get better, and I want them to but right now is fine by me. I miss her, and I guess that's where it can get better. Or at least, the one good thing I can focus about.
I've been pretty 'alone' my whole life. Not alone alone, but like, alone I don't hang with anyone much alone. You know how people say usually you have to be the one to get people out to meet so you don't get left out? Yeah, well a perspective that I live by is that, people have responsibilities that outweigh the need to 'meet up' and since they didn't plan a meeting, means they have a reason to do so. That's kinda how I get by, so I guess it's partially my fault? Because of this I consider myself to be pretty 'alone' and un-needed by most. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that my friends refuse to hang with me, but I guess I'm just afraid of rejection from them. So I used to (or am now) living with the notion that I am pretty un-needed and only there for them when they need me to be. So when someone comes along and show me what is called appreciation, you could imagine my delight at that. So when she came along and showed me what being loved by someone felt like, I guess she made me feel different. Not just me being less lonely but also being more appreciated, more welcome, more loved by someone that is not me. She made me feel good about myself, for once in my 17 years of living and that was what I loved most about her. I'm a tough nut to crack, and that includes breaking a tear. But for her I cried more than once, out of love and out of sadness. And to me that says something. Though I know that my chances with her again are pretty much next to zero, one can only hope. For me, I guess it's not about not letting go, but more like what am I holding on to.
Have a great night guys.

The Breakup and the Blame

After the big break up, it took me a couple of weeks to realize one of the most effective ways of getting over it. And that is to try as much as you can to blame the other party. And believe me when i say it really help in getting over the whole lost in love shit. I pulled through, I did that and for the next week or so, I felt really good. Like really really good. Maybe deep down I suppressed the emotions just enough to feel happy but I genuinely felt good. But then shit went down and that happy period that I just talked about? Gone in less than 3 seconds.
The breakup was really, meh. My first true breakup so I didn't know what to expect. It was through messaging, so given my experience spending so much time on twitter, it seemed as if breaking up through messaging was like the worst way to go. But I didn't know better. So that was that.
Then shit happened and up till this point in time, I did not understand why I did what I did. Only logical explanation to me was that I was so lost and so desperate that I was just did anything and everything I could. Kinda like a fish out of water flailing it's arms around trying to survive only to fail. I can't reveal the details of what exactly happened, but just know that when you do something out of desperation, 9 out of 10 times there's no logic behind it, and there is no right as well. And that's what happened to me so basically I was 100% in the wrong. Ever since then I never could forgive myself, let alone blame the breakup on her.
I did something that contradicted everything I stood for, every decision I made to back up my moralities and all that went down the drain in an instant. Not a day passes where I don't think about that scene and the things I would give to just not made that call.

Much gratitude.

I realize now what this blog is for. For me personally at least. And I didn't really have a purpose for this blog, I just wanted a place to pen down my thoughts and feels without having to purchase a $15 line book. But this blog has gone beyond that. This blog has allowed me to say out things I don't really say to people in real life. Reason being I truly believe that since I feel like I am good at what I do (That being a 'counselor' to others), and I can't really help myself, then why would anyone else I know be able to help me? Yes it does seem conceited and yes it does seem like I am becoming the dick I so detest but I don't see it that way. I truly believe that while I am only 18, I've been through so much more than expected and I believe I have seen all that I should have seen at my age. But that's not the point.
This blog helped me to counsel myself, in a sense that I am able to just let out all my feelings, But it differs from the way I usually counsel others. When I counsel others I tend to give them advice on what to do, what not to do and what's best for him/her. But for my case, I just wanna let it all out. That way once I've let out what I feel like should be let out, then my mind is clear and I can tell myself stuff. And I just want to give a shoutout to you guys, my readers (If any). Its been wild guys, and I'm gonna post a lot more.


P.S: While it's a short post, I can't really think of more things to say. Anyway, Cheers.

So today I thought about suicide. (Well that escalated quickly) But I didn't think about doing it, just the thought of death and all. It was easy to understand why suicide was happening on such a consistent basis, albeit a terrible act but happens nonetheless. Everyone knows why it happens. Because dying is the easy way out. Because how can problems haunt you when you don't even exist anymore? Easy right? But I guess the one thing different about suicide and other easy-ass shit is that, suicide has a permanent consequence that no one, literally no one has ever lived to talk about it(BA DUM TSS). Honestly I have thought about it, about actually just ending all that I ever know. But I guess I was just wise enough to know that that is just downright idiotic and stupid, to say the least. And it wasn't worth it. Worth the effort to take to kill oneself. But I never really convinced myself it was because of that and that's why I didn't do it. I convinced myself that it was simply because I was afraid. Afraid of dying. What helped is that if I ever were to commit suicide I wanted to do it in the most dramatic way possible. Like jumping off 20 stories high or trying to wrestle a bear or even saving another person from like a freak accident (last one isn't really suicide but same thing). But I was afraid of acting it out. Maybe that's just God's way of prolong my life and maybe that's why I'm here right now. I gave up on trying to accomplish anything years ago. Because that's how cruel society and reality is. The only way you can ever accomplish any immeasurable feat is if you have some sort of infinite motivation, like a life of poverty or living up to whoever's around you that's a somebody somewhere. Me? I'm just a dude who lives away from city life. I resigned to fate when I was 14. I believed in a higher power of existence, whatever people want to call it,God or logic. But I knew that 'it' has planned something for each and everyone of us, whether we choose to do something or not. So I'd rather lay back and wait for fate to make way for me. Anyway, moving back on track. Maybe I haven't reached to a point where it actually pushed my thoughts into 100% commiting suicide. But I don't think I'll ever do it anyway. I'm 18, and believe or not I feel like I've done a lot in my life so far, albeit it ain't me being some internet star or some competition winner but I've done things in proud of. And I wanna keep doing it. So for those whom have suicidal thoughts, I would like to say: Stop and think, whom have you made smile, even if it's for a second, whom have you impacted their lives, whom have you stopped to think for them, care about them. Commiting suicide is never the answer to anything. This may sound corny but, if you die, people will mourn. And you will disappoint them. Pain is temporary, and will forever come and go in your life for as long as you live, but it is not a reason to end your life because of something so persistent. There are people around the world who feel the same way you do, or even been through whatever you feel now. Just understand that every time you overcome pain, you can only get stronger. 

Peace.

Writing this while intoxicated,sorta (Jesus fucking Christ am I tired). Anyways Today, or at least last night-wee hours in the morning today was great. It went a little better than I expected, then again I don't usually hold expectations. Shit went down. Like, SHIT. And it was kinda sorta an eye opener for muá? Here's what went down:

List of friends who stayed over:

M

So

Beth(owner of the house we stayed over in)

C

Mar

Joe

Baeh

*Names are to protect identities 

4-10pm 

We sat down, had a couple of drinks, ate some pizza and like chatted about shit. Tiring tho, and so damn sleep. It was fucking raining and so cold it was so damn good. The pizza tho, because of where Beth's place was located, almost no delivery services were available there. Then we found Sarpino's and thank god they delivered. From where Beth stayed.the nearest coffee shop was at least 2km away(I would've died just getting there) 

10pm-4am

So, Joe and Mar came over as well. So was looking kinda, sorta okay, a bit too ______ for my liking but to each their own. They sat down and played their lil drinking games while me, Ceej and Baeh hung out and a separate room. There had to be at least one sober person of there and the guys didn't wanna drink. Well, more like they didn't like it. We went to buy water at like 1am cos there was only alcohols there and Pepsi. Not exactly ideal liquids to consume when thirsty. Me, Ceej and Beth went like got knows how far to buy 3 bottles. Scared Ceej on the way back which was absolute gold. Around 3.30 we came out( to give face to.the guests and Beth as well. We played a little before Ceej drank one cup too many and went all whoopsy on everyone. 

4-7am

No more alcohols! Whoooo and then everyone just knocked out. Sort of. Well, let's just say intoxication brings out the horniest shit out of people. Which is why I had to be sober. Someone's gotta keep

An eye out for suspicious activity. Lololol

Basically, M and Joe were making out and Mar and Son were filming some sexless M18 movie. Just when I though I couldn't feel more alone. Ceej was just, all over the place. Joe had to leave around 6.45, and as he left he made sure he had to leave with a mark. That mark being vomiting all over the lobby area. Thank god Beth's house wasn't exactly filled with neighbors. 

7-8am 

We all just left, feeling absolutely shitty and tired. And shitty. And tired. Did I mention shitty? Anyway they all wanted to have breakfast because we all were just starving. E and Baeh left first cos I had to go home and he didn't know how to home home on his own(PFT). 

Productive day? YES AND NO. I wish I was the one getting laid. Hahahaha no but really.

As I'm typing all these out I just woke up from my 5 hour nap and yes I am going to sleep even more later. 

Have fun guys. Cheers.