Disclaimer

The previous 3 articles were written on different days, I just started on them on the same day but didn't get around to finishing them. 

I wasn't emo (I think) and I wasn't bored. I just though about stuff and decided to pen them down. 

guys have feelings too.

She once said she felt like the guy in the relationship because I was asking too much (I didnt btw, honest). In that moment I found another problem in the world,GUYS ARE STEREOTYPED TO BE EMOTIONLESS. The last I checked humans had the word MAN in it. Its okay if guys dont wanna talk about it, but its always okay to ask (hint hint ladies). Guys don't talk about it because no one asks. 

I'm a guy and I consider myself to be pretty heavy on the emotional side. Unlike most guys I know, I get very concerned about things that can affect my mood at any moment (e.g rejection) but I hide it extremely well. So well that people think that nothing is wrong and nothing will ever be. Which is sad and good at the same time. This just means I hide my feelings very, very well. I'm not sure this means that I'm some ball-less dick but I really don't care. It's the way I am and I don't feel like people can  judge me otherwise. The thing is, I want to talk about my feelings, I want to talk to someone about what I'm going through and the pain that I suffer, but being a guy means you have to 'man up' and suck it in. Worst is, even if you don't want to, you worry if the person you tell actually cares what comes out from your mouth. I'm just really tired of holding it in. 

Being alone does not make you an adult

I often hear my teachers say "If you are able to go through being alone, having a meal alone, studying alone, living alone, then you have truly grown into an adult" XXXXXXXXXXX (insert buzzer sound her) That is not how it works my friend. Being alone, while it does indeed help you mature, it does not signify that you are an adult. You are not. Being alone helps you think more, of everything, from something as simple as what's for lunch to something as deep as what you're gonna do in life. I don't doubt that everyone has reached that point in their life, but like, c'mon, being alone doesn't make you an adult. PFT.
Moving on, I consider myself someone who is highly experience in being alone (Trust me, it is true). Through one of my earlier posts, I have admitted to being a relatively easily jealous person. So I do envy when my friends go out with their friends (mostly mutual ones) and I'm just rotting at home. To sum up, I am pretty much alone 95% of the time I have (Excluding sleeping and traveling time). My friends would have laughed at that, probably because I am so sociable. But as far as I can tell, my "best friends" don't view me the same way and most of them are pretty much one-way friendships. Because of that, I really am that alone and that sad. Of course I am a guy and I should not be caring about such emotional issues, but you'd be surprised at the amount of emotions one guy can hide behind a 'cool' expression.(I'll blog about that another day)
Being in a relationship for 11 months made me completely forget the feeling of being alone.  Its been 4 months since the breakup and while I am still harping on it(probably more than the first month), being alone has officially came back to me. How I have missed you >:/
Guys, being alone is okay. Just know that someone else out there feels what you are feeling. If fate has it be, it will be. Our time of not being loners will come.

I am only as naive as the lies you feed me

Time and time again you have shown me the err in myself. This time showing how naive and blind I was, to hold you against your word. To have so truly believed that you meant every word you said back then. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
I have never stopped blaming myself for what I did, more than you think, and more than you'll ever know. You think I am a heartless, evil and immature dickhead and I don't ever blame you for that.
I see where you are coming from and given your character, it'll be hard to have seen it any other way. What's worst is after so long, I cannot for the life of me see what the point I was trying to get across through those actions. I remember each and every word you said, even up to this very second, every conversation we had, every letter you spelled. Believing everything only to realise that all of them are lies, doubting every time you said 'I never'. The phrase "Love is blind"  is an understatement for what it truly is. You don't just become blind to everything around you, your mind is instantly blind as well. You won't ever doubt a word she says, you won't think twice about her actions. All you'll ever care is if she ever whispers the words 'I love you' ever again. Maybe it is just me, being a complete desperado in love. You know what? Even knowing she went back on her word, even knowing she lied straight to me face, I still can't blame her. My wrong outweighs all of hers. It could again just be me, but then again, who'd give a fuck. As far as I'm concerned, I am alone.

Poly kiddo

I'd assume that y'all readers (if any) are kinda sorta curious about my current educational standing. Well, I am a Temasek Polytechnic student under CMM (I'll leave that for you guys to figure out). In any case, for my overseas readers (if any), a polytechnic is essentially a college school but instead of your usual textbook and maths and shit, the students are taught working skills, e.g Public Speaking, Engineering, Technological skills etc. Its pretty dope when I make it sound like that, but reality is, it's just as stressful as any other (junior) college is. I've been on the losing end lately (unfortunately) and worst is, I'm still feeling in the dumps ever since the break-up (YES I AM STILL HARPING ON IT, GET OFF MY BACK) so on top of feeling shitty I am feeling even more shitty. Worst part is, as I am typing on this blog post, I am barely done with ONE of my projects. UGH. But the thing is, we often say that Poly is for those who know what they want to have a career in, which is very true, provided you work your ass off for it. I am, kinda,sorta,maybe. Mmmmm. On the bright side, I've met a bunch of great people and I really feel damn grateful. (Also I'm in the class with all the pretties so hurray right?) I've seen worst (worst classes I mean, and people).
Anyway, just want to let y'all know that if you're in poly, or any form of school for that matter, take the time to appreciate those around you. Sometimes you are in a position where people dream of, where good friends actually exist, you just don't know how much you take something for granted till its lost.
Signing off here. Poly Kid. Stress AF. Y'allz stay happy.

I am.

I am the type of boyfriend who will get very clingy. I am the type of boyfriend that will get jealous as fuck if I see a guy taking a picture with you. I am the type of boyfriend where I need an answer for everything you do. I am the type of boyfriend that needs your fullest attention. I am the type of boyfriend that acts like the female side of the relationship. But I am also the type of boyfriend who will not hesitate at giving you my 200%. I am the typ of boyfriend that will give you all that I have and the best I can give. I am the type of boyfriend that will remember all you said and make any of your wants come true to the best of my abilities. I am the type of boyfriend that will shield you from anything, laying your needs before mine. 

I am like this because I have always been alone. I am like this because love has never been on my side. I am like this because no one else will ever understand why I will ever feel. I am like this because I am who I am. I am like this because I know what it's like to be left so alone and I never want someone else to feel what I felt. I am that type of person,boyfriend,friend.