Talk about unwilling.

I could go on and on about how much I still love her and how much I miss her and for those of whom are still around (if any), thanks first and foremost (haha) and secondly you might feel like "DAFUQ THIS GUY STILL AINT OVER HER?" And well, yes. I still ain't over her. Why? I don't know. I guess once I catch on feelings for that person it's tough to let go. Maybe that's the way I am. And it's not something I want to change about myself. I don't see it as a bad thing. I mean sure my pain and agony will last much longer than others but it's a price I'm willing to pay. 

The thing is, what contributes to the whole not letting go thing is mainly because for 17 years of my life I have never seen myself to be good enough for everyone, or anyone ever wants to be with me. And usually I'm there for others at their beck and call and I'm always there to console them and all that. But never have I truly been receiving so called "love" and "affection" from others. I've chased like 5 girls now and none of them accepted so I simply gave up. Don't get me wrong, I like helping people, and to me when you help someone you don't expect something or anything in return. And I don't, ever. I just offer them help and do it as best as I can. And it helps that I'm enjoying it as well I get satisfaction knowing that I made someone's day. But the thing is, because no one (not that I know of) "liked" me before her, I've never actively chased the females. It also adds that I'm not exactly confident of how I look or knowing that I am not as handsome as I usually put myself out to be. And so I don't have much experience in that area and for once in my life, someone said that actually liked me, like they wanted me in their life and I just felt like I was on cloud 9. And I guess because it was a first for me, the feelings were a lot stronger because it's my first. And maybe that's why it's tougher to let go. Maybe that's why I can't fully let go. And maybe it's because I don't want to. Funny thing is, I have the strangest feeling and even my gut says that she'll come back, or she'll accept me back or she's willing to give another shot and I can't ever shake that feeling off because I know logically I don't have a chance. But my heart says otherwise and I guess that's where I'm just stuck. I haven't felt genuine happiness in a long time, and anything I have felt other than rage or pain or depressed or sadness is pretty much false or unreal. 

I am hurting so much. And it's not because it's killing me because it's so strong. But because it's prolonging and just tiring. Kinda like how holding a small glass of water hurts the longer you hold it. Kinda like that.

Damn it's tough. I hope you guys don't experience shit like mine.

Her.

I've been pretty satisfied with my life. On an average day to day basis that is. And I'm pretty okay with how things are how they are now. Of course that doesn't mean that I don't want things to get better. Things can get better, and I want them to but right now is fine by me. I miss her, and I guess that's where it can get better. Or at least, the one good thing I can focus about.
I've been pretty 'alone' my whole life. Not alone alone, but like, alone I don't hang with anyone much alone. You know how people say usually you have to be the one to get people out to meet so you don't get left out? Yeah, well a perspective that I live by is that, people have responsibilities that outweigh the need to 'meet up' and since they didn't plan a meeting, means they have a reason to do so. That's kinda how I get by, so I guess it's partially my fault? Because of this I consider myself to be pretty 'alone' and un-needed by most. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that my friends refuse to hang with me, but I guess I'm just afraid of rejection from them. So I used to (or am now) living with the notion that I am pretty un-needed and only there for them when they need me to be. So when someone comes along and show me what is called appreciation, you could imagine my delight at that. So when she came along and showed me what being loved by someone felt like, I guess she made me feel different. Not just me being less lonely but also being more appreciated, more welcome, more loved by someone that is not me. She made me feel good about myself, for once in my 17 years of living and that was what I loved most about her. I'm a tough nut to crack, and that includes breaking a tear. But for her I cried more than once, out of love and out of sadness. And to me that says something. Though I know that my chances with her again are pretty much next to zero, one can only hope. For me, I guess it's not about not letting go, but more like what am I holding on to.
Have a great night guys.

The Breakup and the Blame

After the big break up, it took me a couple of weeks to realize one of the most effective ways of getting over it. And that is to try as much as you can to blame the other party. And believe me when i say it really help in getting over the whole lost in love shit. I pulled through, I did that and for the next week or so, I felt really good. Like really really good. Maybe deep down I suppressed the emotions just enough to feel happy but I genuinely felt good. But then shit went down and that happy period that I just talked about? Gone in less than 3 seconds.
The breakup was really, meh. My first true breakup so I didn't know what to expect. It was through messaging, so given my experience spending so much time on twitter, it seemed as if breaking up through messaging was like the worst way to go. But I didn't know better. So that was that.
Then shit happened and up till this point in time, I did not understand why I did what I did. Only logical explanation to me was that I was so lost and so desperate that I was just did anything and everything I could. Kinda like a fish out of water flailing it's arms around trying to survive only to fail. I can't reveal the details of what exactly happened, but just know that when you do something out of desperation, 9 out of 10 times there's no logic behind it, and there is no right as well. And that's what happened to me so basically I was 100% in the wrong. Ever since then I never could forgive myself, let alone blame the breakup on her.
I did something that contradicted everything I stood for, every decision I made to back up my moralities and all that went down the drain in an instant. Not a day passes where I don't think about that scene and the things I would give to just not made that call.