Angry.

Yay. Haven't written in a while. Thanks S for reminding me that I have a blog. Ha.

Have you ever felt like, you've pretty much done what you've wanted at whatever age and you've just run out of things to live for? And I don't mean like " Oh this person left my life and I have nothing to live for" or "I struck the lottery and now my life is completely I will go die now" I mean things like, " I'm 19 years old and I've done what I can and what I wanted. And now if I die instantly I'm okay with it". And it's not like I'm gonna commit suicide. There's a difference between being okay with dying now and commuting suicide. You didn't choose to die from an accident, but you chose to commit suicide (Get it?) so ya. Idk if I'm having suicidal thoughts or it it's considered as such. But yea. That's what's happening in my mind. 

I'm lost. Very lost. My whole life, having this "counsellor" role to a number people, I've always had this mindset that if I can't solve my own problems, how do I help others? Which is true, and cocky, I admit.  But truth nonetheless. And past few times I really managed to solve the problems. Even when I knew its gonna take time. But this is different. And I wish I knew why. I simply cannot find a solution. There is no "better" or "healing". There is only pain, anger and just self-hate. And there hasn't been a happy for me for a good 3 weeks. I haven't been happy. Or anything positive for that matter. It's just sad, anger, sad, anger etc ad infinitum. I am so angry, that I really could not care if I get the death sentence. I'm seriously on the edge of my tolerance. (Might even have passed it) if I see the guy outside, I know I will lose it. I know. 19 years, of anger, or pain, built up and now this one guy had to be the punching bag. Or worst. Why him? Simply put it, wrong place, at the wrong time. I know that every fucking ounce of anger and pain I have built up for literally my entire life will be unloaded on this one guy. And as humane as I am (amongst my friends, I'm looking forward to this moment (If it happens). For once in my life, if this moment ever presents itself to me, I am no longer bound to keep to myself. I no longer need to listen to everyone telling me to be patient, telling me it's not worth it. As cartoony and cheesy as it sounds, I will unleash the fuckingg hate and anger I have in me and make sure he wished he never came into this planet. I am willing to break every single bone in his body. Simply because I am angry. Is it worth it? No. Which brings me back to my whole "no point living" from the start. I will do it, simply because I've lived my life to a point where there is no point. And if I die now, I'm okay with it. Maybe I won't get the death sentence, and maybe get jailed for a certain time then get released and whatever life I have from then on will just be ruined. Sure, there's that scenario. But come on. What purpose in life could I find in jail that I couldn't find in my life now? (disclaimer: any similarities between this and anyone else is purely coincidental. As said earlier, this will only happen if I meet the guy. And I have no intention of meeting him on purpose.)

If I was a less angry person, maybe things could've been different. But sadly that's not the case. Also, I feel like hulk because I'm talking about Anger so much. Ha. 

Whys and Insanity

Goddamit. Writing this on 15% battery. GG.


I've just had about enough with being the "that guy that doesn't ask questions" yet when I do they say "that's the guy that needs to know why your mom's name is Mary". I ask questions, a lot. And I come across as proud, A LOT. But I really try not to be. Sure I do almost always give unnecessary comments and information, but my message is meant well. It's not like I want to come across as annoying on purpose (Believe me, if I wanted to, y'all be dead). I just have a tendency of telling or saying stuff that I feel is important or useful. Not everyone might think the same way, but do you really think I'm using my brain at the spur of the moment?
I'm not likeable (At least I think I'm not). Sure amongst my friends I'm known to be pretty Singaporean and to be the "Singaporean Joker" (Or at least I think I am. You see, that's just it. Everything is just "I think-s" and "At least-s" but it shouldn't be. So I become the targetting board. The one who asks the questions but doesn't ask the questions and get shot either way. Sure I'm used to it but everyone has their limits, me included. So why? Why do I have to be the one asking the questions? Why can't I ask questions? Why can't I NOT ask questions? Why does it have to be me? I don't see the nerdy kid being picked on, I don't see the most hated girl in class receiving the bullshit. But I'm the guy that everyone thinks is so incredibly oblivious to his surroundings that people feel like they are free to talk shit about me as and when they want (If y'all know you are and y'all are reading this, I KNOW BITCH). It's not like I care too much about it, but if enough people are talking about it, you start to question yourself, "Is (A) and (B) saying about me really true?"
The worst part is, you know people are talking about you. You even KNOW WHAT THEY SAY. But the harsh reality is, it's so hard to confront them about it because there is that ever so slight chance that you're wrong. And if that became the beast that became the man, then you're fucked. You're public enemy number 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6.  You come across as being more complacent than you already seem to be. You become an instant douchebag. You became everyone's go to man if they need advice on "How to be a dick to your own mother", So you just let everyone say what they want, when they want. You become the substitute that never plays, the bench warmer, the seat filler, the unnecessary condiments, the punching bag that is everyone's favorite. And when it's quiet and you decide to play your cards, everyone gives you the only Royal Flush you'll ever see for the rest of time. Down the fucking toilet.
I've had enough of being the "Target Guy". That's why I'm usually an ass to everyone. No one is pure nice in this world, even if they seem to be, they won't be. It's that type of world. It's the world that we have supposedly "evolved" in.  We, have lost it. I have lost it. Our minds.

Anger and Fear

It's one of those days where you wake up having no expectations for the day to come. You just want to continue your life as is and get it over and done with. Then God decides to fuck you up by putting tiny pieces of shit in your life. Not enough to make it the worst day ever, but enough to ruin the mood for the day and just your attitude.
I hated today. HATED. I usually don't even say hate, much less use it. It wasn't a day that messed up. It was just a messed up day. Just a bunch of shit crammed into one. I was looking forward to today, believe or not. The original plan was tomorrow is gonna be a good day. And the best day is actually the day before a good day. Because you get an idea of what that DAY will be. And not because you planned it to be, but because everyone else is sharing with you.
WELL HERE'S A NOPE FOR YOU.
Then "BAM", everything goes downhill.  I was told that tomorrow's plans were changed, and whilst I have yet to be confirmed to be affected, it doesn't take a dumbass to know who's been changed to do what. It sucks. I was looking forward to it for a couple months and they tell you "You've been assigned to somewhere else. Suck it". So everything start to go negative as well.
Then somehow (could just be me), there have been negative vibes getting from everyone I see today, like (OMG that's [ME], dammit, it's gonna be a rough day]. And I'm not talking about the joking kind. Sure, I know I'm not exactly Number 1 likeable guy, but I have my moments, and I have my friendship bonds, but if they're bonds made up on lies and deceit, I'd rather burn my limb alive and throw the ashes at the other guy/ gal.
I'm on a radio show (Go figure) that at certain times I kinda have to record my voice to make up for another day. But due to circumstance someone gave up their time to me to finish. I felt bad. VERY. And it's not like I wanted to continue, I simply didn't have a choice. And I knew that I could've just made myself suffer instead of making him pay the price. But I didn't. Maybe my inner demons are finally coming. Maybe I've been angry enough at them, at the world to finally show my true colors. Maybe I finally get to show everyone that I'm a bad person. Or maybe I'm afraid, of losing the painstaking facade I have built for 19 years. Maybe I'm afraid that if I keep doing what I'm doing I'll have more enemies than friends.
I'm angry. I always have been. Always will be. It's not an anger that can be satiated over a single night, or even committing crimes. It's not that anger. It's anger that when released, you know the consequence, but you do it because for once in your life you are doing something YOU WANT, however dire the consequences are, It was never about the bad day. It was never about how much annoying you can take in a day. Heck, it's not even about what emotions you feel. It's about realizing that one day, ONE DAY, you will submit to your inner demons, you will finally tell yourself, it's okay to be bad. You will finally say, "I've just had about e-fucking-nough".