Her.

I've been pretty satisfied with my life. On an average day to day basis that is. And I'm pretty okay with how things are how they are now. Of course that doesn't mean that I don't want things to get better. Things can get better, and I want them to but right now is fine by me. I miss her, and I guess that's where it can get better. Or at least, the one good thing I can focus about.
I've been pretty 'alone' my whole life. Not alone alone, but like, alone I don't hang with anyone much alone. You know how people say usually you have to be the one to get people out to meet so you don't get left out? Yeah, well a perspective that I live by is that, people have responsibilities that outweigh the need to 'meet up' and since they didn't plan a meeting, means they have a reason to do so. That's kinda how I get by, so I guess it's partially my fault? Because of this I consider myself to be pretty 'alone' and un-needed by most. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that my friends refuse to hang with me, but I guess I'm just afraid of rejection from them. So I used to (or am now) living with the notion that I am pretty un-needed and only there for them when they need me to be. So when someone comes along and show me what is called appreciation, you could imagine my delight at that. So when she came along and showed me what being loved by someone felt like, I guess she made me feel different. Not just me being less lonely but also being more appreciated, more welcome, more loved by someone that is not me. She made me feel good about myself, for once in my 17 years of living and that was what I loved most about her. I'm a tough nut to crack, and that includes breaking a tear. But for her I cried more than once, out of love and out of sadness. And to me that says something. Though I know that my chances with her again are pretty much next to zero, one can only hope. For me, I guess it's not about not letting go, but more like what am I holding on to.
Have a great night guys.

The Breakup and the Blame

After the big break up, it took me a couple of weeks to realize one of the most effective ways of getting over it. And that is to try as much as you can to blame the other party. And believe me when i say it really help in getting over the whole lost in love shit. I pulled through, I did that and for the next week or so, I felt really good. Like really really good. Maybe deep down I suppressed the emotions just enough to feel happy but I genuinely felt good. But then shit went down and that happy period that I just talked about? Gone in less than 3 seconds.
The breakup was really, meh. My first true breakup so I didn't know what to expect. It was through messaging, so given my experience spending so much time on twitter, it seemed as if breaking up through messaging was like the worst way to go. But I didn't know better. So that was that.
Then shit happened and up till this point in time, I did not understand why I did what I did. Only logical explanation to me was that I was so lost and so desperate that I was just did anything and everything I could. Kinda like a fish out of water flailing it's arms around trying to survive only to fail. I can't reveal the details of what exactly happened, but just know that when you do something out of desperation, 9 out of 10 times there's no logic behind it, and there is no right as well. And that's what happened to me so basically I was 100% in the wrong. Ever since then I never could forgive myself, let alone blame the breakup on her.
I did something that contradicted everything I stood for, every decision I made to back up my moralities and all that went down the drain in an instant. Not a day passes where I don't think about that scene and the things I would give to just not made that call.

Much gratitude.

I realize now what this blog is for. For me personally at least. And I didn't really have a purpose for this blog, I just wanted a place to pen down my thoughts and feels without having to purchase a $15 line book. But this blog has gone beyond that. This blog has allowed me to say out things I don't really say to people in real life. Reason being I truly believe that since I feel like I am good at what I do (That being a 'counselor' to others), and I can't really help myself, then why would anyone else I know be able to help me? Yes it does seem conceited and yes it does seem like I am becoming the dick I so detest but I don't see it that way. I truly believe that while I am only 18, I've been through so much more than expected and I believe I have seen all that I should have seen at my age. But that's not the point.
This blog helped me to counsel myself, in a sense that I am able to just let out all my feelings, But it differs from the way I usually counsel others. When I counsel others I tend to give them advice on what to do, what not to do and what's best for him/her. But for my case, I just wanna let it all out. That way once I've let out what I feel like should be let out, then my mind is clear and I can tell myself stuff. And I just want to give a shoutout to you guys, my readers (If any). Its been wild guys, and I'm gonna post a lot more.


P.S: While it's a short post, I can't really think of more things to say. Anyway, Cheers.