For those of you who know me (Like in real life), this is extremely important. For those of you who don't, treat it as advice.
I've always been kinda sorta broken. For 19 years, a good portion of my life (like 95%), I've always felt alone, tired, broken. And For 19 years, I've never once talked about my sad life, my depressive, broken, negative, pessimistic side. Everyday, I wake up, "being me", joking and funny and cheerful and all. And that's what I show everyone and that's "being me". Even my own (ex) girlfriend thought me out to be this happy-go-lucky person. But truth is, I was long broken before anyone knew it. I was that broken, rusty toy that was on the highest part of the shelf and only the time someone took me off the shelf, that person dropped it and I shattered. But truth is, I was already broken. It wasn't the person's fault. But everyone only saw the person drop it, no one saw an already broken toy, everyone saw the toy being broken. And now that person has to pay the price for something she didn't do.
I guess it was my fault, I should've said I was broken first, I should've said something about my sad side. Maybe then, she wouldn't have suffered. Maybe then, she wouldn't get so much shit.
It's not her fault. She didn't break me into so many pieces. She didn't take a screwdriver and took me apart. It was my fault for not showing broken in the first place. It's my fault for constantly showing one side of me. Because of that, people think I don't have a sad side to me.
It's like putting an iPhone 6 on the shelf, but what you don't see is that everything in it is the iPhone 4. But everyone who plays with it thinks it's playing with the iPhone 6. Then someone comes along and says, "Nope it's really the iPhone 4 inside" and everyone now blames that person for saying something that's quite impossible when it is the truth.
Say a lie long enough, and it becomes the truth. Hide the truth long enough, it becomes a lie.
She didn't break me into so many pieces. She merely had a slip of a hand.
Sunday, 2 October 2016
Monday, 12 September 2016
Angry.
Yay. Haven't written in a while. Thanks S for reminding me that I have a blog. Ha.
Have you ever felt like, you've pretty much done what you've wanted at whatever age and you've just run out of things to live for? And I don't mean like " Oh this person left my life and I have nothing to live for" or "I struck the lottery and now my life is completely I will go die now" I mean things like, " I'm 19 years old and I've done what I can and what I wanted. And now if I die instantly I'm okay with it". And it's not like I'm gonna commit suicide. There's a difference between being okay with dying now and commuting suicide. You didn't choose to die from an accident, but you chose to commit suicide (Get it?) so ya. Idk if I'm having suicidal thoughts or it it's considered as such. But yea. That's what's happening in my mind.
I'm lost. Very lost. My whole life, having this "counsellor" role to a number people, I've always had this mindset that if I can't solve my own problems, how do I help others? Which is true, and cocky, I admit. But truth nonetheless. And past few times I really managed to solve the problems. Even when I knew its gonna take time. But this is different. And I wish I knew why. I simply cannot find a solution. There is no "better" or "healing". There is only pain, anger and just self-hate. And there hasn't been a happy for me for a good 3 weeks. I haven't been happy. Or anything positive for that matter. It's just sad, anger, sad, anger etc ad infinitum. I am so angry, that I really could not care if I get the death sentence. I'm seriously on the edge of my tolerance. (Might even have passed it) if I see the guy outside, I know I will lose it. I know. 19 years, of anger, or pain, built up and now this one guy had to be the punching bag. Or worst. Why him? Simply put it, wrong place, at the wrong time. I know that every fucking ounce of anger and pain I have built up for literally my entire life will be unloaded on this one guy. And as humane as I am (amongst my friends, I'm looking forward to this moment (If it happens). For once in my life, if this moment ever presents itself to me, I am no longer bound to keep to myself. I no longer need to listen to everyone telling me to be patient, telling me it's not worth it. As cartoony and cheesy as it sounds, I will unleash the fuckingg hate and anger I have in me and make sure he wished he never came into this planet. I am willing to break every single bone in his body. Simply because I am angry. Is it worth it? No. Which brings me back to my whole "no point living" from the start. I will do it, simply because I've lived my life to a point where there is no point. And if I die now, I'm okay with it. Maybe I won't get the death sentence, and maybe get jailed for a certain time then get released and whatever life I have from then on will just be ruined. Sure, there's that scenario. But come on. What purpose in life could I find in jail that I couldn't find in my life now? (disclaimer: any similarities between this and anyone else is purely coincidental. As said earlier, this will only happen if I meet the guy. And I have no intention of meeting him on purpose.)
If I was a less angry person, maybe things could've been different. But sadly that's not the case. Also, I feel like hulk because I'm talking about Anger so much. Ha.
Sunday, 1 May 2016
Whys and Insanity
Goddamit. Writing this on 15% battery. GG.
I've just had about enough with being the "that guy that doesn't ask questions" yet when I do they say "that's the guy that needs to know why your mom's name is Mary". I ask questions, a lot. And I come across as proud, A LOT. But I really try not to be. Sure I do almost always give unnecessary comments and information, but my message is meant well. It's not like I want to come across as annoying on purpose (Believe me, if I wanted to, y'all be dead). I just have a tendency of telling or saying stuff that I feel is important or useful. Not everyone might think the same way, but do you really think I'm using my brain at the spur of the moment?
I'm not likeable (At least I think I'm not). Sure amongst my friends I'm known to be pretty Singaporean and to be the "Singaporean Joker" (Or at least I think I am. You see, that's just it. Everything is just "I think-s" and "At least-s" but it shouldn't be. So I become the targetting board. The one who asks the questions but doesn't ask the questions and get shot either way. Sure I'm used to it but everyone has their limits, me included. So why? Why do I have to be the one asking the questions? Why can't I ask questions? Why can't I NOT ask questions? Why does it have to be me? I don't see the nerdy kid being picked on, I don't see the most hated girl in class receiving the bullshit. But I'm the guy that everyone thinks is so incredibly oblivious to his surroundings that people feel like they are free to talk shit about me as and when they want (If y'all know you are and y'all are reading this, I KNOW BITCH). It's not like I care too much about it, but if enough people are talking about it, you start to question yourself, "Is (A) and (B) saying about me really true?"
The worst part is, you know people are talking about you. You even KNOW WHAT THEY SAY. But the harsh reality is, it's so hard to confront them about it because there is that ever so slight chance that you're wrong. And if that became the beast that became the man, then you're fucked. You're public enemy number 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6. You come across as being more complacent than you already seem to be. You become an instant douchebag. You became everyone's go to man if they need advice on "How to be a dick to your own mother", So you just let everyone say what they want, when they want. You become the substitute that never plays, the bench warmer, the seat filler, the unnecessary condiments, the punching bag that is everyone's favorite. And when it's quiet and you decide to play your cards, everyone gives you the only Royal Flush you'll ever see for the rest of time. Down the fucking toilet.
I've had enough of being the "Target Guy". That's why I'm usually an ass to everyone. No one is pure nice in this world, even if they seem to be, they won't be. It's that type of world. It's the world that we have supposedly "evolved" in. We, have lost it. I have lost it. Our minds.
I've just had about enough with being the "that guy that doesn't ask questions" yet when I do they say "that's the guy that needs to know why your mom's name is Mary". I ask questions, a lot. And I come across as proud, A LOT. But I really try not to be. Sure I do almost always give unnecessary comments and information, but my message is meant well. It's not like I want to come across as annoying on purpose (Believe me, if I wanted to, y'all be dead). I just have a tendency of telling or saying stuff that I feel is important or useful. Not everyone might think the same way, but do you really think I'm using my brain at the spur of the moment?
I'm not likeable (At least I think I'm not). Sure amongst my friends I'm known to be pretty Singaporean and to be the "Singaporean Joker" (Or at least I think I am. You see, that's just it. Everything is just "I think-s" and "At least-s" but it shouldn't be. So I become the targetting board. The one who asks the questions but doesn't ask the questions and get shot either way. Sure I'm used to it but everyone has their limits, me included. So why? Why do I have to be the one asking the questions? Why can't I ask questions? Why can't I NOT ask questions? Why does it have to be me? I don't see the nerdy kid being picked on, I don't see the most hated girl in class receiving the bullshit. But I'm the guy that everyone thinks is so incredibly oblivious to his surroundings that people feel like they are free to talk shit about me as and when they want (If y'all know you are and y'all are reading this, I KNOW BITCH). It's not like I care too much about it, but if enough people are talking about it, you start to question yourself, "Is (A) and (B) saying about me really true?"
The worst part is, you know people are talking about you. You even KNOW WHAT THEY SAY. But the harsh reality is, it's so hard to confront them about it because there is that ever so slight chance that you're wrong. And if that became the beast that became the man, then you're fucked. You're public enemy number 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6. You come across as being more complacent than you already seem to be. You become an instant douchebag. You became everyone's go to man if they need advice on "How to be a dick to your own mother", So you just let everyone say what they want, when they want. You become the substitute that never plays, the bench warmer, the seat filler, the unnecessary condiments, the punching bag that is everyone's favorite. And when it's quiet and you decide to play your cards, everyone gives you the only Royal Flush you'll ever see for the rest of time. Down the fucking toilet.
I've had enough of being the "Target Guy". That's why I'm usually an ass to everyone. No one is pure nice in this world, even if they seem to be, they won't be. It's that type of world. It's the world that we have supposedly "evolved" in. We, have lost it. I have lost it. Our minds.
Tuesday, 19 April 2016
Anger and Fear
It's one of those days where you wake up having no expectations for the day to come. You just want to continue your life as is and get it over and done with. Then God decides to fuck you up by putting tiny pieces of shit in your life. Not enough to make it the worst day ever, but enough to ruin the mood for the day and just your attitude.
I hated today. HATED. I usually don't even say hate, much less use it. It wasn't a day that messed up. It was just a messed up day. Just a bunch of shit crammed into one. I was looking forward to today, believe or not. The original plan was tomorrow is gonna be a good day. And the best day is actually the day before a good day. Because you get an idea of what that DAY will be. And not because you planned it to be, but because everyone else is sharing with you.
WELL HERE'S A NOPE FOR YOU.
Then "BAM", everything goes downhill. I was told that tomorrow's plans were changed, and whilst I have yet to be confirmed to be affected, it doesn't take a dumbass to know who's been changed to do what. It sucks. I was looking forward to it for a couple months and they tell you "You've been assigned to somewhere else. Suck it". So everything start to go negative as well.
Then somehow (could just be me), there have been negative vibes getting from everyone I see today, like (OMG that's [ME], dammit, it's gonna be a rough day]. And I'm not talking about the joking kind. Sure, I know I'm not exactly Number 1 likeable guy, but I have my moments, and I have my friendship bonds, but if they're bonds made up on lies and deceit, I'd rather burn my limb alive and throw the ashes at the other guy/ gal.
I'm on a radio show (Go figure) that at certain times I kinda have to record my voice to make up for another day. But due to circumstance someone gave up their time to me to finish. I felt bad. VERY. And it's not like I wanted to continue, I simply didn't have a choice. And I knew that I could've just made myself suffer instead of making him pay the price. But I didn't. Maybe my inner demons are finally coming. Maybe I've been angry enough at them, at the world to finally show my true colors. Maybe I finally get to show everyone that I'm a bad person. Or maybe I'm afraid, of losing the painstaking facade I have built for 19 years. Maybe I'm afraid that if I keep doing what I'm doing I'll have more enemies than friends.
I'm angry. I always have been. Always will be. It's not an anger that can be satiated over a single night, or even committing crimes. It's not that anger. It's anger that when released, you know the consequence, but you do it because for once in your life you are doing something YOU WANT, however dire the consequences are, It was never about the bad day. It was never about how much annoying you can take in a day. Heck, it's not even about what emotions you feel. It's about realizing that one day, ONE DAY, you will submit to your inner demons, you will finally tell yourself, it's okay to be bad. You will finally say, "I've just had about e-fucking-nough".
I hated today. HATED. I usually don't even say hate, much less use it. It wasn't a day that messed up. It was just a messed up day. Just a bunch of shit crammed into one. I was looking forward to today, believe or not. The original plan was tomorrow is gonna be a good day. And the best day is actually the day before a good day. Because you get an idea of what that DAY will be. And not because you planned it to be, but because everyone else is sharing with you.
WELL HERE'S A NOPE FOR YOU.
Then "BAM", everything goes downhill. I was told that tomorrow's plans were changed, and whilst I have yet to be confirmed to be affected, it doesn't take a dumbass to know who's been changed to do what. It sucks. I was looking forward to it for a couple months and they tell you "You've been assigned to somewhere else. Suck it". So everything start to go negative as well.
Then somehow (could just be me), there have been negative vibes getting from everyone I see today, like (OMG that's [ME], dammit, it's gonna be a rough day]. And I'm not talking about the joking kind. Sure, I know I'm not exactly Number 1 likeable guy, but I have my moments, and I have my friendship bonds, but if they're bonds made up on lies and deceit, I'd rather burn my limb alive and throw the ashes at the other guy/ gal.
I'm on a radio show (Go figure) that at certain times I kinda have to record my voice to make up for another day. But due to circumstance someone gave up their time to me to finish. I felt bad. VERY. And it's not like I wanted to continue, I simply didn't have a choice. And I knew that I could've just made myself suffer instead of making him pay the price. But I didn't. Maybe my inner demons are finally coming. Maybe I've been angry enough at them, at the world to finally show my true colors. Maybe I finally get to show everyone that I'm a bad person. Or maybe I'm afraid, of losing the painstaking facade I have built for 19 years. Maybe I'm afraid that if I keep doing what I'm doing I'll have more enemies than friends.
I'm angry. I always have been. Always will be. It's not an anger that can be satiated over a single night, or even committing crimes. It's not that anger. It's anger that when released, you know the consequence, but you do it because for once in your life you are doing something YOU WANT, however dire the consequences are, It was never about the bad day. It was never about how much annoying you can take in a day. Heck, it's not even about what emotions you feel. It's about realizing that one day, ONE DAY, you will submit to your inner demons, you will finally tell yourself, it's okay to be bad. You will finally say, "I've just had about e-fucking-nough".
Friday, 1 January 2016
YEAR IN REVIEW
It is 2016. Hope you guys had fun celebrating with whoever whatever. And as many others, we always like to give a a quick look back into the year, seeing what went wrong and what went right. Well, there was no right for me in 2015. No right worth mentioning anyway. I didn't not enjoy 2015 at all.
It was the worst year I have ever had in my entire life (so far). The year was filled with event, don't get me wrong, but those events, those that mattered anyway were pretty negative ones. It was a bad year right from the start and only went downhill. The worst part? Even when I tried to make it better by having fun on the very last day of 2015, it only ended up to be worst then anything before.
I went to the countdown party hoping to meet new people there and enjoy with the people I know. But I ended up looking fucking pathetic and just having the worst night of my life. Ugh.
I see people celebrating New years eve and I wanted to strangle them. You know when you just suddenly get pissed off at everyone for breathing or something of the sorts, well I had that except multiply it a billion-fold. Why? Because as a happy person you really get don't angry all that much. But when you do you suddenly become angry at the whole world for existing and you wish you could burn everyone that just walks by you. I was pissed. Not at anyone but for having to go through that shit for one entire year.And the thing is, you will never know if the next year will be like the last. Will it be better? Will it be worse? There is no way of knowing. And that's the one thing that I am so afraid of. What if 2016 will be as bad or even worse? What if I don't make it out? What if the what ifs don't become what ifs anymore? I hated 2015. i hated the way it began and the way it ended. The one thing that will make me happy is if I could just start burning people alive and shout and scream and just see people trying to go through what I did. Sadist? You could say so. Psychopath? Pushing it, but I'll take it. I don't care if I'm judged for what I said because everyone has the same thoughts too. I just have enough balls to say them. I don't want to wish people a Happy new year. I don't like giving people expectations. I didn't havee a good year and I don't want people too either.
It was the worst year I have ever had in my entire life (so far). The year was filled with event, don't get me wrong, but those events, those that mattered anyway were pretty negative ones. It was a bad year right from the start and only went downhill. The worst part? Even when I tried to make it better by having fun on the very last day of 2015, it only ended up to be worst then anything before.
I went to the countdown party hoping to meet new people there and enjoy with the people I know. But I ended up looking fucking pathetic and just having the worst night of my life. Ugh.
I see people celebrating New years eve and I wanted to strangle them. You know when you just suddenly get pissed off at everyone for breathing or something of the sorts, well I had that except multiply it a billion-fold. Why? Because as a happy person you really get don't angry all that much. But when you do you suddenly become angry at the whole world for existing and you wish you could burn everyone that just walks by you. I was pissed. Not at anyone but for having to go through that shit for one entire year.And the thing is, you will never know if the next year will be like the last. Will it be better? Will it be worse? There is no way of knowing. And that's the one thing that I am so afraid of. What if 2016 will be as bad or even worse? What if I don't make it out? What if the what ifs don't become what ifs anymore? I hated 2015. i hated the way it began and the way it ended. The one thing that will make me happy is if I could just start burning people alive and shout and scream and just see people trying to go through what I did. Sadist? You could say so. Psychopath? Pushing it, but I'll take it. I don't care if I'm judged for what I said because everyone has the same thoughts too. I just have enough balls to say them. I don't want to wish people a Happy new year. I don't like giving people expectations. I didn't havee a good year and I don't want people too either.
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