(insert positive words here)

Yes for once this is a positive blog post. Because for once in a long time I've felt carefree (not happy,not yet). Spending weeks in my current diploma course with camps and time with the whole cohord helped so much with my own 'recovery' process. I never thought I would enjoy it as much as I did but even in glad I did. My year 2 seniors (tho their called juniors even though their a year older than us) held like 4 different camps/ events for us to just bond with the cohord and make sure everyone was friends with one another. Sure that'll take a lot more than just time but it sorta succeeded in a way  both with the befriending thing and with me sort of recovering from myself. The events and camps weren't much, just the same old you'd come to know (and love) but I guess what made it really really fun was not really us year 1s but the IG (Interest Group) members, namely the year 2s because they were really interactive and inspiring. They weren't just your average student leaders, you could really see not just the effort they put in, their sincerity shined out as well  and you know, it just reminded me of my own teaching. That God (any one you believe in) is fair, in a sense that there is never more bad people than good people and vice versa. And that things can and will eventually be better. That eventually the only things that will matter will be the things that you want to make them matter. Anywho the event was Bonding day (amongst any other) and needless to say it was to help to bond not just the year 1s together but everyone under CMM and it was more than just fun. I haven't played Captain's ball in a while and Pliny with and against the year 2s and 3s was, well, extremely exhausting. But it was all so worth it, to me at least. I finally got a day to take my mind and body off things (and off work) and it was fantastic. 

Then after the whole bonding day thing my class had a BBQ at my place that we sorta wanted to bond the class closer since all the other classes had already done it away before. I didn't know if it was because it was soon after bonding day but a lot people turned up. Doesn't really happen in most BBQs but it was great that everyone did. It was fun watching everyone sort of bond as a class (since we weren't really really tight) and everyone did enjoy themselves. Albeit I was BBQing literally the whole time but I had fun. Seeing people enjoy the food was more than filling for moì. Alas the day had to end and everyone said their farewells. I was glad I could make everyone (and their stomachs) happy and would do it again at a flip of a dime. For once in a long long time I didn't feel sad.  

No question, no answer.

I'm no expert in love and relationships and whatnot. I give what I feel like is decent advice and guides to help make a decision relevant to that particular situation. But what I feel about what people think it's a necessity to be the one to first talk about a bad relationship or a bad memory is just wrong. Now I know you're confused, so I'll simplify it. If you don't ask the person about whatever you are curious about yet you expect that the other party to initiatively inform you of said topic. (Basically expecting the person to tell you something you didn't ask) I don't exactly understand what's the point behind that because you won't really like it if someone comes up to you and tell you stuff you didn't even ask, and that person will come off as 'attention-seeking'. 

Personally I don't feel the need to tell you of my experiment or whatnot if you didn't ask because to me, if you didn't ask you simply aren't curious about it. Even if I do need to let it out, even if I do need a listening ear, I'd rather keep it to myself and just hope someone is willing to let me talk about it to them. Because at least you know that if they ask they are offering help and consolidation to you but if you initiate the need for a listening ear first then it sort of seems like you don't really care if the person is willing or not because you just need a shoulder to cry on. It's not that like I don't want to or anything, believe me there have been countless times where I just wanna tell someone, I need a ear, care to be one? For me. But given how our society is, how judgemental it is, initiating any form of conversation or whatnot for a "ownself" purpose will be stereotyped to be a 'attention-whore'. But hey, if you have to humility to just tell someone you need a ear, kudos to you man. 

P.S all stated references and content are completely by personal opinion.

Talk about unwilling.

I could go on and on about how much I still love her and how much I miss her and for those of whom are still around (if any), thanks first and foremost (haha) and secondly you might feel like "DAFUQ THIS GUY STILL AINT OVER HER?" And well, yes. I still ain't over her. Why? I don't know. I guess once I catch on feelings for that person it's tough to let go. Maybe that's the way I am. And it's not something I want to change about myself. I don't see it as a bad thing. I mean sure my pain and agony will last much longer than others but it's a price I'm willing to pay. 

The thing is, what contributes to the whole not letting go thing is mainly because for 17 years of my life I have never seen myself to be good enough for everyone, or anyone ever wants to be with me. And usually I'm there for others at their beck and call and I'm always there to console them and all that. But never have I truly been receiving so called "love" and "affection" from others. I've chased like 5 girls now and none of them accepted so I simply gave up. Don't get me wrong, I like helping people, and to me when you help someone you don't expect something or anything in return. And I don't, ever. I just offer them help and do it as best as I can. And it helps that I'm enjoying it as well I get satisfaction knowing that I made someone's day. But the thing is, because no one (not that I know of) "liked" me before her, I've never actively chased the females. It also adds that I'm not exactly confident of how I look or knowing that I am not as handsome as I usually put myself out to be. And so I don't have much experience in that area and for once in my life, someone said that actually liked me, like they wanted me in their life and I just felt like I was on cloud 9. And I guess because it was a first for me, the feelings were a lot stronger because it's my first. And maybe that's why it's tougher to let go. Maybe that's why I can't fully let go. And maybe it's because I don't want to. Funny thing is, I have the strangest feeling and even my gut says that she'll come back, or she'll accept me back or she's willing to give another shot and I can't ever shake that feeling off because I know logically I don't have a chance. But my heart says otherwise and I guess that's where I'm just stuck. I haven't felt genuine happiness in a long time, and anything I have felt other than rage or pain or depressed or sadness is pretty much false or unreal. 

I am hurting so much. And it's not because it's killing me because it's so strong. But because it's prolonging and just tiring. Kinda like how holding a small glass of water hurts the longer you hold it. Kinda like that.

Damn it's tough. I hope you guys don't experience shit like mine.